gift or curse?

I'm not trying to sound like Spider-Man.

I like the guy but I'm more of a Superman / Wolverine fan.

Anyway, what I'm talking about is my ability to talk to myself in the second person and listen in the third (sometimes even the fourth depending on my psycho-analytic mood).

Although this has been a great help inasmuch as refining my values and analyzing my beliefs are concerned, for the past few months, the revelations I have been uncovering have been becoming more and more disturbing than ever.

In fact, going through it, I usually imagine myself as St. John the Divine as he was being shown the Revelation of Jesus Christ or as Dante as he descended into the rings of his Inferno.

As I go through this process, more and more do I hope and grope for that elusive and non-existent "Reset Button", or better yet, the "Delete Button".

Oftentimes, it is easy to talk about moral, emotional and spiritual restructuring, but it truly is an impossible task when you can't let go of certain things that you need to.

My second person (the ever-dependable confidante, the one I talk to) espouses, I can just concentrate on the things I need to concentrate on such as family and work. He can take care of all other things I am still having an attachment to and I don't need to know or worry about them. Sounds great, except that I would still be privy to whatever he's up to and that knowledge alone is enough to get me off course like a ship with a broken gyroscope and compass and is caught in the middle of a tempest in the high seas.

My third person (the silent but discerning listener, who's also one hell of a bad ass) believes I usually create my own problems by deliberately refusing to let go of past attachments. He says I'm one greedy son of a bitch, wanting everything but refusing to compromise and giving no quarter whatsoever. He's convinced I have sticks the size of Redwoods up my ass and they're up too deep they're poking my medulla oblongata and my hypothalamus - which explains my inexplicable moral-spiritual-emotional attachments and quirks. He recommends I subject myself to a jumbo-sized enema and rectal surgery by none other than Vlad the Impaler.

My fourth person (the one with logic colder than deep-space ice) says the situation is easy. I just need to make a list of things that I don't really need. Emotions should be set aside as well as any kind of attachment when making the list. Once the list is complete, all I need to do is to let go of those things. Leave them behind and move on and never look back. he says, this is my primordial "Reset Button".

Both my second and my third disagree with him because they know that as soon as I follow his advise, all of them would inevitably disappear. My fourth seems unaffected by this prospect. He's for logical solutions and nothing more. This is the reason why my fourth is usually left uninvited during "Introspective Meetings". But somehow, he still manages to be in the loop with everything.

Sometimes I think he's psychic.

Before anyone of you guys get any ideas, I'm not going cuckoo.

Far from it. I've never felt more sane than ever before.

I think it's the rest of the world that's going crazy.

Of Things Out Of Reach...

In that movie "Men of Honor" with Cuba Gooding Jr. and Robert De Niro, Cuba's character was asked what made him so determined to succeed in anything he set his mind to, and he said, "Because they told me I couldn't have it...

"That perhaps is the kind of character we need to be cultivating in ourselves.

When things just seem out of reach, outrightly impossible to achieve and when odds simply tell you, "You can't have it", that's the time we should silently recollect and ask ourselves, "How much do I want it?"

And if you want it bad enough, then go get it. as long as it is within the bounds of morality and ethics, then go ahead and get it. Own it. Live it. Enjoy it.

There is a sense of pure joy and victory here; when you're being discouraged right off the bat and you simply shake off the discouragement and set out to accomplish that which they say you cannot have. That's character.

But there simply are things that can not be had - and no measure of determination and character can make you have them.

But then again, most of the time, impossible just takes a little longer...

You just gotta have faith...

Of Kindness

Kindness is an act of goodness stemming from the inner recesses of the heart and comes out instinctively and spontaneously like spring waters and fruits in season. It needs no reason, nor does it need motivation.

Kindness and the ability to show it when least expected is proof of man's innate goodness and superiority as a specie.

The capacity for kindness requires intellect and high understanding - such as not consciously exercised but is exuded as an aura. It is an embedded program that kicks in at the right moment and at the right instance.

Notice that when you are in a situation where you are about to show kindness, there is always a small inkling of the question, "why?" To give in to the inkling means to hesitate and to debate with oneself on the act's veracity - thus diminishing the value of the act of kindness.

For it to be pure and true and worthwhile, kindness when gushing forth like living waters should not be stemmed, nor shall it be dammed. Let it pour to quench the fire in the world's throat and in the world's belly.

Fool

"If enduring pain, braving shame, despising one's self for the sake of affection and accepting misery without question is the definition of love - then, I LOVE YOU."
Marvin Jay M. Torres

Invisible...

Ever wondered what the air probably feels had it been gifted with consciousness?

He makes life possible for practically all living organisms but is almost always never noticed.

Well, I know how that feels...

Coffee Fix

I can't remember when I developed my steamy love affair with coffee.

All I know is that I've been drinking it forever.

There was even a time back in college when breakfast, for me, was just coffee and Marlboros. Whenever I felt like that was not enough, I'd whip up some orange juice to go with the coffee and the cigs.

I drink two mugs of coffee in the morning, a cup (since we don't have mugs) in the office by mid-morning, another cup by mid-afternoon, a mug once I get home and another mug at night while working late.

If what they say about coffee being healthy is true, then I should be in tip-top shape by now.

I wonder if my mom fed me coffee when I was a baby...

Hmmm...

I'd better go ask her.

Learn to Live with It

There are people who come along in your life whom you don't simply meet - they "happen" in your life.

People who create impressions so profound that they're able to alter the very core of your being. People who become so ingrained in your lifestory - regardless of time and distance and everything in between - that when you're finally compelled by circumstance to move on without them, life takes on a pallor of incongruity. People who become, for you, the definition of living itself.

You don't die without these people. You don't get suddenly infected with an incurable melancholy and longing that blankets your psyche and drains you of all happiness and willingness to live. In fact, you may even learn to let go and you may get over the initial emptiness and start to live a rather fruitful life with those whom you really are destined to be with.

Worst case is that these people can be dismissed as mere novelties, passing fancies, just a phase...

But everytime memories collide with reality, the truth stares at you blatantly - and fiercely - daring you to stare back, daring you to deny, daring you.

You just learn to deal with it, go on with it, live with it.